chapter 21 ~ Stupid.Cupid.food and moods

                                       ~ MOODS~  

heyo! wassup people,

          yes i went into a long hiatus. assignments were pouring in, so did presentations. 2 coursework and 2 presentation in one and a half month. like what the hell?? and the worst part is when your teacher, herself doesn't understand the course work. we were like "what do you mean, you don't know? like who else are we suppose to ask for guidance?" and she was like " go and meet the head teacher for the subject" .

we were like no way, the head teacher has her own class to guide. it was frustrating like hell but thank god i manage to finish and hand in both of the thesis papers on time. i am feeling good about it, i am confident i could get an A for both not because the teacher said it was good but because i worked my butt off these past few months. Like i only slept 5 hours a week, when i'm not in school, i am traveling cause my brother just went to college and it's quite far and we had to like send him and pick him up every now and then. so when i'm at home, that's the only time i actually get to finish up my assignment and that happens to be at night so i had to sacrifice my sleep.


really the whole time i was pulling all nighter, i was rocking the homeless grandma look

and people were concern actually, and i was like
 

you may say, that "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I PULL ALL NIGHTERS, ALL THE TIME"    yeah that may be not the case for you but as you know i am bipolar and also having anxiety so i need to eat my medication by 6pm so that i will be in bed by 8pm or 9 pm but for the past few MONTHS, i stopped my medication and it is not doing good for my health. i was vomiting in the school toilet half of the time or the other half begging anyone who has a laptop to borrow it cause i don't have a lap top and do you expect me to bring my Pc and monitor to school just to finish my assignment?.

yes, people have turn around and said it to my face " aren't you ashamed of begging everyday? can't you just buy one ?" well

reasons why i don't own a Laptop yet :
1) my family is planning on using an amount of saved up money to buy a laptop for my brother so i can't actually just barge in asking for one
2) my doctor advised me not to work part time while studying cause studying itself is hard for me as a bipolar. when it takes a week to understand for other kids, it takes a month for me and even if i did actually understand , i forget about  it later on.
3) we actually tried using secondhand lap tops but their life span is around 3 months only and to get a new one every 3 months is something we can't afford.

so yeah, basically we are back to square one. hence explains the tittle for this section moods. my mood swings due to school

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                                                      ~CUPID~

aha,  this tittle may have raised a couple of eye brows and yes it is about boys.yes BOYS not BOY but BOYS. yes i am 19, never really had a REAL boyfriend, though i did have  a couple of crushes when i was younger. when i was naive. when i actually thought i had a shot with guys. but not anymore. i came to a point where i  realised a girl like me will never get a guy that i like. but i don 't know there is a guy in my class, and i swear he has the best smile, yeah you may say a smile is a smile what's the difference. but there is.

cause this guy not only smiles with his lips but also with his eyes. and the other thing is that even if he is in a bad mood when he someone greets him,  he smiles like he meant it. and that captured my heart. and that's when i thought



so yeah no matter how close a guy is to my ideal guy, i ain't gona confess or even go head over heels for him if he doesn't make a move. cause i got in a mess because i thought i had a shot, lesson learnt. "DONT!! I REPEAT DON'T BE THE IDIOT THAT ACTUALLY THINK YOU HAVE A SHOT, YES EVENTHOUGH HE'S CUTE.DON'T!!"

yes, when i said BOYS. i meant it. i didn't mean as in i liked a few boys at the same time like no. hell no! that's not who i am, what i meant was. my friends categorised me as a girl that easily falls inlove. well i agree and disagree that statement to an extent where yes, i don't actually fall for a guy easily but i am captured by some of the things the boy does or the boy's trait that is my ideal guy. like if a guy has great smile, yes i am attracted to him. am i head over heels for him? no. simple as that.  i'll  need to make a new post for a list of traits of my ideal guy.

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                                                  ~STUPID~

yes, i feel soo stupid. to have something you believed in, something that you held dear suddenly proved that it is not what it seemed .sucks. you guys know right? my geng, my Redfield family, if you don't, you should refer to my old posts. they mean the world to me but i came to realise through another redfield friend that, there's this girl let's say she's Jandi. she's also a redfield family member ( there's 13 of us in the group)  so this story is between the 3 of us. this girl told me that jandi actually blocked me and the girl from facebook and recently added this girl back because she's going to the same university as her.

like really?

now this came as a big news, it was as if someone poured a cold water over me because these girls are my life, i put them before my family and for one of them to do this to me. like i don't get it. i'm pissed not because she blocked us for no reason but because she acted childish. if there is anything she could have confronted me or  the other girl but instead she blocked. infact to be honest, i'm the one who's suppose to block her.

A conversation that happened was last year
( the reason i called is because i missed her. i always call all the RF gang, i just missed them soo much)

me: hey jandi!
jandi: hello?
me: hey! how are you?
jandi: who is this?
me: (weird) it's me.. sita
jandi: ooh (chuckles) ok.
me: did you delete my number?
jandi: yeah, i deleted the numbers i don't use anymore/rarely use
me: ........

literally, that broke my heart. but still i didn't think about it much but now. after what she did. no! no way.. the fact that i didn't even realise she blocked us. the fact that SHE WOULD WANT TO STILL BE IN CONTACT WITH A GUY THAT DIDN'T LIKE HER BACK . MAN THAT'S FREAKKING ..... then again it comes back to me. i was the stupid one. i was stupid enough to believe.
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                                                  ~FOOD~

yes food. as much as i love food and would give up anything (except redfield and my family) in the world for it. but recently because my doctor increased my medication ( those who are not aware, bipolar medication tend to increase your appetite and you sleep more. in short it makes you lazy and fat. you can't blame yourself nor the medication. but you know the feeling where you just have to blame something just to make you feel better. yeah, don't. seriously don't, it will eat you up and rip you alive.

due to the medication, i gain tremendous weight. i actually went from 60kg to 79kg in between 2 months? i don't remember and let met tell you, even if you tried to force yourself to avoid eating extra you can't cause every 15 minutes you WILL feel hungry and when you are hungry you MUST eat. IF you DON'T eat, you will have what it feels like gastric pain even if you don't have gastric.

and so i asked my doctor what should i do and she said " what's the issue? " and i was like " like i said, my weight it is increasing. i am slowly losing my self-confidence and also you know i have anxiety, it is already hard for me to talk to people and now with this. i don't think i could survive school." and she replied " what do you want to focus now? your mind or your body?"
" ofcourse both" i said. " NO, you can only choose one,and i think your mind is more important than your body now. "

so yeah, that's how i got guilty every time i eat anything.



                                                 For better or for worse
                                          and for the lack of better words
                                               i here by end my speech
                                                            right here
                                                              ~ sita

    
 

chapter 20 ~ road to recovery

hello dearies, 
                 
                     i know. i know. im not late. i just died cameback alive. what can i say alot happened. to be honest these past few months pass by me so fast. it's not i couldn't get a grip it's just. i couldn't get up. i couldn't have a stand. errm.. how do i explain.. it's something like drowning but everything around you  is breathing.


i started detaching myself from everything. from my life itself. then another grenade exploded, out of no where. i was diagnosed with anxiety and i had my first anxiety attack when i was having my finals. it was rough. the worst part was everyone knew i was in pain and something was wrong but all they did was " hey you okay? the bell just rang, you oughta leave" and there was even worst the ones that sat right next to me and started laughing. i don't even have the energy to hate or curse anyone. im just really tired.

i started skipping school. i'm not smoking pot or anything. i just stay at home and do stuff. maybe because i started pushing people away. maybe because i lost my confidence bit by bit and then all at once. maybe that's because i started gaining weight and that brought me more attention which i don't like cause i have social anxiety. i don't like being in the center of attention because i get scared , my heart starts racing and everything just goes blank. but i can't help it my medication does that. it increases my appetite. how am i suppose to control that?

the worst part is my medication is very high so when i eat it by two hours i get sleepy. i'm suppose to eat it by 6 and by 8 im out. how am i suppose to study?  life got tough for me. never would i ever imagine i would be in  this situation in my life. i miss myself. my old self. help me.

  For better or for worse

              and for the lack of better words

     i here by end my speech

  right here

       ~ sita

chapter 19 ~I am not involved but i was definitely affected

Life sucks. you know all my life, i never had actually done anything to get myself involved in fights or even drama. because deep down i know, all these while i know all along people can never be trusted.

That's why I am used to being alone all the time. Didn’t I use to think that it was normal to not be surrounded by people? People always betray other people. The defense that I created for myself was just perfect. I knew that. I knew that too well but somehow i always end up getting into trouble even though i didn't do anything. it wasn't my fault heck i had nothing to do with. it always  have been that way since i pre-school up until upper level now. like wth?! what did i do to deserve this?

ok you guys must be wondering why am i pumped up this way all of us cause you guys ain't stupid to think this is whole some nostalgic. well you're right it's not cause this is what happened..

there these bunch of (typical popular kids) Rose,amber, Alex,jenna and may. it looked as if they were all going well, pretty close relationship but damn there's a heck load of drama that could fill up until season 2. and the best part is i'm stuck in between all of the! like what the hell? where ? how? when? did i get in this mess. like arghh!!!

ok here's quick summary


Every knows may and jenna don't get along. well cause they're quite competitive which at times they are good to each other but since they have known each since like forever cause they are from the same class and school since preschool. yup rivals since birth. though they don't show it in front of teachers but hey it's obvious. jenna thinks rose is her bff

alex is neutral with May and jenna, like she is like the perfect cheerleader team captain. she wants to be nice to both of them and they too are nice to her though they don't go out together like if alex goes out with may then jenna won't follow. something like that but erghh god they work in same place. how do they even do that?!! but alex hates amber, she was trying to be nice to her but now she's just making it obvious and being cruel to her in her face.and oh she thinks she and rose are bffs too. haha

amber. right. jenna,alex and rose hates her. they make it obvious especially rose and alex. jenna not really obvious but you get the vibe and they both know that. may is ok with amber. amber although knows that no ones likes her except for may she tolerates with all their shit cause she doesn't have any friends and some time it offends her.she really wants to be good friends with alex. cause they live in the same neighbor hood and were classmates almost 3 years.

rose. ooh rose. like her name she is surrounded with thorns.poisonous beauty. god she is cruel. she is the reason this whole mess took place. she hates everyone except her boyfriend and thinks she is perfect cause none of the others have any boyfriend. but she acts as if she has nothing to do with anything.


but in reality



rose hates everyone.alex and jenna wants to be rose friends, they think they are. amber wants to be everyones friends. may.. well.. you know.

you must be wondering. how the hell do i know this? well guys this is because i am in the same group with alex,jenna and rose for buisness class. and man it sucks!! cause i have to listen to them talking bad about amber and may.  like because the guy that likes jenna and rose's boyfriend are also in the same group. so all 5 of them start bad talking about amber and here i am the only one in the group who is keeping quiet. but that is also a problem because if i always keep quiet they will think that i'm on amber's side but actually i'm not. i'm in no one's side but mine alone lol.that sounds soo freaking weird . i know. but please bear with me i'm in a major mess for something i'm not even involved

okay then amber poor amber and her best friend kriss. yup kriss and her are hitting pretty well but because of the rest ..i don't think they will ever be more than just friends.. like because of the girls kriss lost his bestfriends which were rose's bf and the guy that likes jenna. all 3 plus another guy max are like in a band and now they are in the verge of disbanding it just because the of their girls. like yeah i know it pretty fucked up.

again where do i come in this? kriss and i go to the same gym as well as the other guys. i go there for muay thai and they go for weight lifting and boxing. so when kriss ( kriss is a very friendly guy) so when he talks to me and stuff or even just a simple hi. the other guy members in my group will give me the eye and then they will like judging me. like wth?!!!!

what is this?! why am i stuck in this mess when i haven't even done anything? i'm not even involved? i just coincidently happened to be in the same place as them at teh same time and the group. like i didn;t choose to be in the same group as them, it was the teacher she hand picked us. like wtf!!!! erghh

                    reality just hits me in face. like literally

like seriously people i tried i really tried. you know what i deserve a star!





                                                 For better or for worse
                                          and for the lack of better words
                                               i here by end my speech
                                                            right here
                                                              ~ sita


                

chapter 18 ~New Year !!

First off Happy New Year peeps!! Gong Xi Fa Cai, May the year of the snake bring you luck and joy. Ang pao na lai!! =]


This year i'm gona be more realistic, by having new year resolutions that i know i can pull off.

1) give less fuck
-because my class is if you refer this post you would know

2) try to do new things as much as possible

3) Don't open your mouth unless you are forced to

4) Don't! i repeat Don't ever expect guys to like you

5) go slowly,take your time and relax in everything you do

6)give more than you take

7) practice on your memory

8)Remember that not everything stays the same

9) Try to make your heart colder

10) try to stay alive

okay so school just started again. and guess what everything is still the same and i'm still in the cafeteria alone. hey not that is a bad thing but ... hey it's better than dealing with idiots who judge how much i eat. yay more for me. :)

I miss my seniors.i miss the fried rice aunty.i miss my friends.i miss my old self.

i'm getting harsher,colder and much further from what i was. i'm not even sure if that is a bad thing or a good one. why must beauty be so important? why must she get treated differently, just because she is much more prettier, taller, skinner and everything i will never be?  

i mean i worked my butt off, even sacrificing my sleep and lunch break. MY LUNCH BREAK!! i do not easily give away my lunch break for anything! And what do i get ?

"Is this what you can do?"

like i'm trying my best here okay?! it's easy having memory loss due to bipolar and with all im going through i'm trying my hardest. can anyone for once just say "you know what. that's good enough. thank you"

hahahahha sorry. i got carried away.

i would like end this post with a few words

                          Xian Nian Kuai Le, Xi Wang Ni Men Kai Kai, Xi Xi o ! <3

                                                  For better or for worse
                                          and for the lack of better words
                                               i here by end my speech
                                                            right here
                                                              ~ sita

chapter 17 ~ Post Hibernation - activities

yeah i know, i haven't been posting stuff lately. To be honest i wasn't busy at all in fact bored to death but the problem was i don't know what to post. like seriously all throughout the holidays i was HIBERNATING.

hahahah well not all the way, just mid holidays, the second half of it i got stuff.. yeahh stuff wanna hear about it ?? sure you do.

1.drum lessons

yeah i learned drumming during the holidays. which i may add is awesome plus i always wanted to learn that skill. it went preety well actually i had to take a bus to go there but it was worth it and i made new friends. no photos sorry those guys are shy, yup guys. Ryan and alex , my juniors.

2.Muay Thai (kick boxing)
ahahhah i know, everyone was shocked at first when they got to know it and you know what's even funnier ? this convo between my mom and me.

le convo:

my mom: you know it's about time you should start acting more lady like

me: who? me?

mom: i'm serious, go take ballet or one of the those tea parties your classmates attend.

me:    

 mom : 

and so i went to the city, wandering.. and roaming.. well actually i could have just got into the class and registered myself but i ughh.. i wanted to wait after they finish cause all those those ballerina are like sticks. like really thin! i for one am not. really like i can't imagine anyone giving up food for anything really. like food is good. how could you like go on a diet.

so i waited for the class to finish and then to register but while waiting i saw a few ladies going into the other room. i just realised that it was a gym and while waiting hey why not just go in and take a look who knows i might catch a few leng chai  (hot guys) but no, there weren't any. it was just a bunch of ladies not girls kicking each other in a boxing arena. and.... to be honest it was awesome!! i was practically cheering for them. it was soo awesome,like so cool. and i had not realised the ballet class ended cause i came out of the gym only after the match ended. and guess what i did ?

yours truly just registered herself to muay thai class. Ain't that awesome?! like hey i would rather have a fit body than those skinny ones any day of the week plus i get to eat whatever i want. :)

Mission: to be more lady like. You are to accept this mission or else face the wrath of cleaning the dishes the entire week.

result : registered into muay thai class.



3. i got myself a tattoo

First off let me admit that this isn't an original idea,but i loved it so i got it. it was one of the samples that my tattoo artist showed me when i got there. okay so let me explain  it's an anchor on top of a safe float and on each side are the waves which i need to get redone, it's not complete yet. with the wordings  I REFUSE TO SINK.

i chose i refuse to sink to indicate my stubborness.  that no matter what happens,  een if the world forces me to get down. i REFUSE to back off without a fight. I refuse to allow myself to sink. YES i know some people might say, that's what anchors are for. THEY SINK. but you. yes you. better SHUT UP.because you don't know how many things that are pulling me down right now, you do not know what i am going through. All those things will forever haunt me,it will forever weigh me but my safe float. my friends will guide.they will not allow me to fall.to sink. i will not sink because i refuse to.

4. outing!! like yeah after almost a year RF just had reunion not all thirteen of us but (5 of us)
we went to the park and yeah it was awesome.

so as usual, alia would come and pick us up at our place cause she's awesome and also because she is the only girl in our gang that has a driver's license and also a car. so yeah, i was the second to be picked up by her and then we went to pick up tyra and farah and off we go to the park or botanical garden or whatever you guys call it.

i was actually really excited to go there :

1) because this is the first time i am going thereafter the whole big renovation thingy ( which i may add looks awesome and creative but  i liked it the way it was before because, it was crowded with people and stalls where else the new landscape they build is a beautiful pond filled with fishes but .. like i said. i liked the old one way better

2) because i'm going with my bff's. no matter where we go as long as we are together..it's fun

so yeah enough of that and now right after we parked tyra and i raced towards the sitting area to find a spot to sit cause it's a holiday and so there are lots of tourists and thank god we found one. =]  initially we were just planning on sitting there for fun before we get to ride on the train but alia again suprised us with FOOOOOOODDD people. it's food!! let me tell you she is not a stingy person at all. like she freaking bought 6 nasi lemak (a type of malaysian dish, rice with coconut milk plus with anchovies sambal with eggs. ), 5 teh tarik (drink), and a few bottles of mineral water
.

yeah i know you guys might be wondering why the heck would you buy an extra set of breakfast when there is only 5 of you. like i said earlier alia is a very generous girl, she buys everything extra just incase an accidents happen or just simple because if anyone is still hungry.
if this is shockin,you should've seen her when we went for camp

that camp was for pre-u students during the holidays last year, it was held in a university for 3 days 2 night. i repeat 3DAYS2NIGHTS but god that girl bought a loaf a bread,3 cups of noodles, a jar of nuttela and a bunch of other food supple that could be enough for us for about 3 months

 so yeah, now you know her. anddddddd... on with the post.we ate breakfast there and then went straight to the train. tadaa!! suprisingly it was empty, maybe because it was still morning and people wanted to jog instead of taking a ride. hey better for us :)
the park entrance
the train
   the waterfall areathe flower garden

and  then on the second round we walked instead, we visited a bunch of flower gardens and we actually found a secret path ( well not secretly lah more like a path where less people take.) it was beautiful there was even a waterfall there but unfortunately we didn't bring a change of clothes. soo too bad.but hey the view was good.

(from right tyra,mama,alia and farah)


 and this is the secret path which we were lead by tyra

and then we had fun disturbing the animals there too there were peacocks,pigeons and MONKEYS!!! like seriously i'm not even kidding look



hahahah it was a fun holidays i guess. so yeah that's all folks


                        

For better or for worse,
and for the lack of better words
i here by end my speech right here
~sita