Chapter 6 ~ Bleeding Love

dear .......,
everyday now days, we talk to each other more. i like that allot, it makes me feel wanted and close to you. I don't mind being your best friend, if that's the closest I'll ever be to you, I'll take it. i like you allot, i don't dare to say "i love you " anymore

why u ask??
by..
 the way u talk about her
the way u act as if it doesn't hurt you
the way u forgive her even if it kills u abit
the way u put her before anyone else
the way u take notice of her..

after all that, i couldn't say i love you, its not right. so with all my heart, my love and my care for u, i am going to stop.

no.. i can't stop loving u. that's impossible, but i can stop hoping. i can start hating you. at least when i hate you, my love for u might fade away.but then you are making it impossible for me to do that too..

why do u care for me?
why do u talk to me?
why do tell me stuff?
why do u remember things i use to say?
why do u treat me nicely?
why?! why?!

10 things i hate and love about you

 1.  your caring side

      2. your sense of humor

     3.you care free attitude

 4.our similar traits

 5. our ever flowing fluent conversations

 6. your smile

 7. your crazy logic

 8. your protectiveness over me
 9. your respect towards woman
10. just yourself.

But I realised, that you never did have feelings for me nor did you think of me as even your friend. I was just a tool to close the gap of your loneliness. But you lead me on and left me to die. But still, I couldn't fight the urge to hate you. But i no longer love you either. So Good bye my friend, I wish you the best but do listen to the radio much more now OK? because I'm going to tell Adele about this. She's going to sing it in your face! 

So that you will know, how much pain. you caused me.

                                                      

for better and for worse

and for the lack of better words

i end my speech right here

Sita

   

Chapter 5 ~ Best Family Definately Biological Friends

 당신을 사랑합니다 ~ 私はあなたを愛して ~ je t'aime ~ te quiero ~ i cinta kau

i love you...
my Partner in crime..
my Midnight companion..
my Sister..
my Girlfriend..
 my Mom..
my Boss..
 my Teacher ..
my Priestess..
my Etiquette Teacher
my pillow
my conscience
my pillar

i freaking love you all to death all 12 of you guys!!you guys are like my world. it's not that you guys revolve around it's actually the other way around.

You made me, who I am now. without you guys, there wouldn't me here writing now. I would have probably passed away. I know, its shocking but it's the truth. I was in that bad of a situation but you guys scarified allot to help me survive and for that i owe you my life guys. no matter what, I'll try my best to help you guys.

I had a rough time when I was 16, well actually I hit rock bottom back then. I was diagnosed with Depression and school did a great job at making it hell of a worse. I was asked to sit at the back of the class beside a girl who never really was in class because of her prefect duties and the other side is a guy who sleeps throughout the entire school year. SO yeah, real helpful. And wait.. It gets better. Whenever, some guy makes a lame joke or gets in trouble. Guess who they tease him with? ME!! yesh, yours truly. And the fact that even the teachers took a chance to participate in this stupid act, it just.. brings tears to my eyes. (sarcasm)

Le previous conversation ~

random male classmate who is eating in class and clearly not paying attention to the teacher. Everything was going great until the teacher turns around and .." Haikal!! What are you doing ?!! You know what I should marry you off with ( insert my name) "

And the Haikal's friends joins in " yea dude, you should totally marry her. she would be a good fit for you. like both of you dark,fat and a matter-o-fact dumb!! hahaha"

Did you see that? did you ? Did you see, how incredibly idiotically, my teacher just brings up my name. When there wasn't a need to bring up my name and basically.. THAT WASN'T EVEN RELEVANT TO THE ISSUE. I mean what the hell does him by not paying attention in class does have anything  to do with  marrying off with some girl. I mean that just doesn't make any sense. DO correct me, if i am wrong.

Ergghh, the anger that I with held in me could not be described. I mean , if I was not depressed, I would have set fire to the school.I was that angry.  Like it's not the first time and certainly it wasn't the last. You have no idea how long did I have to go through with this. And this is just the surface, there was one time where guys in my school splashed water at my face and the other time where the were mocking about my size where I passed by. You have no idea, how tormented I am. I have been getting this treatment since I was 7. I have thought of suiciding, at the age of 10 and till now. 

My friends well I refer to them most of the time as my family, they saved me in my darkest moments. Like one of them, stayed back everyday just so I wouldn't be alone in school (cause i had allot of activities in the evening). When some people are depressed, they get sensitive and I was one of the victim. Whenever my friends bring up about crushes, like sometimes, they keep it a secret. I mean , come on my members group consists of 13 of us. You don't really expect us to tell repeat the same information again and again. 

So I don't blame them, but when they talk about secrets that they kept from me in front of me. Now that got me angry. Well it's kinda my fault too, I should have been more patient with them. I love them, and I have feel thankful for having them in my life. I'm sorry for all the things I said and have done that hurt you guys. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.  

    

When you are sad ...

I'll get you a chocolate and help you plot revenge again that asshole who made you sad.

When you are blue ...

I'll try to dislodge whatever that is chocking you

When you smile..

I'll know that your crush finally noticed you

When you are scared

I'll give you my courage but then tease you about it every chance i get

When you are worried...

i will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and anything else that comes to my mind for you to quit whining.

when you are confused..

I'll use little words to explain to you and end the explanation with  - dumb ass. haha

when you are sick..

stay away from me, cause if we are both sick who is gonna keep an eye on your crush at school?

When you fall..

I'll help you up after i finish laughing

When you're is on fire..

I'll be there ..not to help you but to hit on the firemen

when it's raining

don't worry I'll steal your umbrella .. just to see how fast you could run.

when you're in jail

I'm sorry, i couldn't be able to bail you out .. because I'll be there right beside in jail.

Most of all, I'll be there whenever you need me.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end . Why you ask ? because you're my best friend.

 You guys know, that you guys are my family right? But lately I'm worried.Since we are all growing up I'm scared that we would be apart soon. And I did realise it sooner but it came .. And it hurts.

No, I'm not joking . It seriously hurt me, to an extent where, when you replied me back that you don't like people talking bad about him and you forced me to delete my statement. I had difficulties in breathing like seriously, i can't believe that a guy is much important than your own friend. That his impression of you is much more important than me. I mean I'm hurt every time he even mentions that you are immature. it takes allot for me to keep quiet and not lash at him for saying that about you. But you? you took away my rights, my opinion for what ? a guy? seriously? a guy?!! you kidding me? 

Is this how we are ? If it was you, you talked about my crush like that, I would have WITHOUT no doubt stopped liking him. I would have been thinking " what the hell was I thinking ? how could I even like this guy?" I would have PLACED you above him. BECAUSE you were there, with me. NOT some guy. BECAUSE YOU KNOW ME MORE THAN MY CRUSH. BECAUSE, you are my family. And If it was HIM who posted something like that ABOUT ME, would you have done the same thing?

I know, I don't have the right to interfere in your personal life but by you keep on whining about how he calls you "immature" over stupid things. As if he's all grown up, he's not even finish with his studies, for god's sake. He acting as if he's some one's dad or something. I complaining here because he doesn't have the right to call you that. it may be OK for you and you may like that BUT I don't give a damn, who the hell he is. But if he calls or treats you like a kid. He's gonna get it in face. Yes, i am protective over my friends. I act like a force field or something around them. Maybe that's because I've been hurt allot and so I wish someone would've been there for me but there wasn't anyone so maybe that's why I become protective with you guys.   

I thought that's how things work? but unfortunately, you taught me things the hard way. I don't hate you, GOD knows i can't hate my own best friend. I love you and the rest of them to death. I'm just hurt, and I need time to compose myself again. But seriously it hurts to know that the guy who you just met over the net is much more important to you than the friend that you've known for years..

You're...

My Friend,

my companion,

through good times and bad

my friend, my buddy,

through happy and sad,
beside me you stand,
beside me you walk,
you're there to listen,
you're there to talk,
with happiness, with smiles,
with pain and tears,
I know you'll be there,
throughout the years!

For better or for worse,

And for the lack of better words
I end my speech right here,

Chapter 4 ~ My dear heartbreaker

Dear baby boy,

the first time I saw you I had butterflies in my stomach.

I thought you were cute,

in that boyish haircut of yours.

you were quiet not like any of your friends

and you smiled allot even when you don't realise

at first I thought you were different from  anyone else I met before.

And you proved me right, you are..

one of a kind.

You liked a girl we both know

but never was I jealous nor hated her

I thought it was cute

I know it's weird of me, but from that action of yours it showed me

another side of you that I've never seen before

and I liked  you even more than I did before.

Then I lost you,

for over a year, I missed you like hell

then I found you back

but.. this time

you weren't the same person

you shouted,cursed and called me names.

but still I stayed by your side

I always talked to you again and again

even when you called me annoying

I didn't care!! Because..

I know that's not you

the one cursing me every time I said a word

the one who blocked me

the one that thought I was a

freak.crazy.annoying.stupid girl

I didn't care ..

I didn't care about anything but you

Because deep down ...

I know the real you is hiding inside

he's going through a tough time

I wanted to be by your side at that time,

to help you go through it

I didn't want you to be alone

I may not be smart enough to help you solve your problems

but I do know that I can be there for you all the time

But you hurt..

hurted me allot

all those hurtful words..

But still I know Believed that you didn't mean it

just so to please you

I stopped talking to you.

Each day passed by,

months followed by

I waited and waited

I still clinged on the hope that

maybe someday you will realise..

you will get well

break through those walls you built

and my prayers were answered
you came back
I felt as if
nothing else matters
as long as you are there
nothing else matters..

That's when I felt my dream came true
we talked as were best of friends
not caring day or night
my heart fluttered every time

you reminded me back all the thing I told you
before...
you remembered every single one of them

I felt happy, for the first time in my life I actually did
there is no other boy who made me feel that way
that's when I truly fell head over heels for you
you made me love you more and more by each passing day
But then.. it all came crashing down.
when people say, all good things must come to an end
i didn't believe at first..
but now I realised it is true...

you told me your secrets,
I thought you trusted me,
You told me I was pretty,
I thought you started to notice me,
You told me that felt comfortable talking to me,
I thought finally you felt something,
But then, you also told me
that you are seeing her,
your relationship moments with her..

you made me realised

that i was

nothing but a talking puppet

to you..

the one that follows your orders..

listens to your problems..

entertains you when you're bored..

 “No you’re right. I mistook our endless conversations, your texts, the compliments, and our closeness  for you liking me. my bad.”

I was Dumb. wasn't I?

It was dumb of me to think I was special to you

To think I mattered to you

I should have been careful

To think I was important to you

That I had a meaning in your life

I should have known

The tears I shared

The fights we had

The happy times

And the sad

I should have known

It’s not your fault

Go about your life

Continue your life with her

And leave girls like me, in strife

I blame it on myself

I had not a clue
It was dumb of me to think

I was special

To think I mattered to you

Why didn't i see this coming??!!

i love you...

I love you.. love you.. love you.. love you..soo much

but you know what ?

you don't even realise that.. or you do?

but then you don't want to admit it, don't you?

I bet I know you, better than her and I think it's true because

I known you longer than she has ,

I love you more than she will ever do,

I've been there for you from the start..

and yet you don't even have the slightest idea of my feelings for you...

every time you..

talk about her ..

my heart cringes abit..

my eyes starts to tear up..

i can't think straight after that..

you don't know that.. when i say...

• i got to go =its means I'm going to go and find a place to cry my heart out..
• maybe HE hasn't found the right girl yet = it meant maybe she's not the one for you, please open your eyes
• everything will be okay = as long as my heart beats, I'll make sure you are happy.
• don't worry I'm sure she loves you = i pray to lord, she loves you more than i do..
• she won't leave you, don't worry = I'll beg her not to do so..

she isn't appreciating what she has ..

believe me she has no idea what a amazing guy she has..

 and yet she still complains ...

I'm just offering my heart on a plate for you.

You see it as a friendship thing.

I’ve been your rock before and I’ll do it again and again, no matter what.

And every word I say to you means a billion times more than you think it does.

 But if this is as close as it gets for us,

I’ll take it. I’ll take it.

if that's all I'll ever be..

by judging the way you talk about her..

worrying for her..

reliving the moments you had with her..

I'll take it..

I'll be you friend..

your talking puppet..

for all eternity, dear unknown.. I'll wait for you...

for better or for worse

and for the lack of better words

I end my speech right here.

 

Chapter 3 ~ Exam.Stress.Tired

Yoohoo!! honey, I'm home!
Yup I'm back and glad to be here people. I've alot to share with you guys. First off, it was exam week. Yup EXAM. It sucks soo bad, but hey i tried my best. That's the whole point.. right??  It was a stressful week to begin with. Well what do you expect, I got stuck between two very SUPPORTING guys. One that couldn't help to express his undying love to me (well teasing me of course) and the other who always has my back while doing the exam by shouting/whispering encouraging words such as "you're gona fail!!" at me.

Yup. Sure as hell helpful.
Although I gotta say.I have high hopes for my history test and absolutely no hopes for my Mod maths. Gosh I'm a bad student aren't i? But hey at least i enjoyed my last monthly exam in my entire life. I'm going to miss high school  soo much.

Believe me, even though
I got teased all the time..
I got rejected twice..
I have been called mad..
I have been told useless
and have felt worthless..
All these things happend during my high school life and still after all I've been through.I love my school.I love my friends. I love my high shool life. And I'll be always be cherish those memories.

What's there not to Love aside from well.. all the negatives comments up above.
I got my friends, teachers and surprisingly everyone in my school knows me even the freshman every year.Either they know me because they think I'm nice or nasty.Either way I'm popular. (i still think, it's a weird thing)

And then was a phase in my life where i tried to transform myself from the fat ugly kid to an idiot-who-still-hopes-she-could-be pretty-one-day. Like duh obviously I'm still not there. I have allot of expectations and i believe that expectations are one causes that breaks people.

For better or for worse
and for the lack of better words.
i end my speech here.

                                        

                                                                                                                                             sita

Chapter 2 ~ Se7enteen Forever [RedField Family Affair]

Hey guys, this chapter is the continuation of chapter 2, more on the party. OK so people be prepared to hear The birthday party of 3 teenage girls Hasita, farah and Fatin.b.i
First of all, the party wasn't on any one of our birthdays. Mine was 23rd, datin was on 27th and f.b.i's was on the 6 th and yet we ended up having the party on 2nd. I know we are a bunch of retards.hahah. okay, yeah on with the party. errm, this wasn't suppose to be a surprise party but it somehow ended up as one. LOL complicated much, I know.

What i meant when i said it wasn't suppose to be a surprise party because the party was actually planned by the 3 birthday girls and we divided the party stuff among the 3 of us.

Sita: in charge of pizza and spicy fried chicken
Datin:  birthday cake
F.b.i : Mcd ice cream
And if I'm not mistaken mama treated us drinks
tada!!

And so as you can see, we have it planned perfectly. All the RedField family members get down the stairs as soon as the school bell rings.We are suppose to gather at the "koperasi", an empty space beside "koperasi" to be exact. And so usually the freshmen will try to take over the place but as we are seniors. We don't give DAM about that !! haha yeah got that place to ourselves and we divided into 3 groups among the family. My group get the pizza, group datin and fbi as they are in charge of.

The Pizza delivery guy was like waiting for us for an hour or so on the hand, the Mcd guy never showed up. YUP! what a bummer?! :( He made us wait like hell, i mean we took turns to wait at the guard room for him to arrive, we didn't even get to enjoy our party. I know! it sucks!!

but then we did manage to enjoy at least abit though.

No! no, if you are thinking that the MCD guy didn't turn was the surprise hell no! its actually the fact that my friends, they collected money among themselves and bought us gifts. Like major gifts! I'm shocked and grateful. And also to be honest, touched that I have such great friends. I mean, it wasn't just a normal key chain or something. Which i don't care actually cause, I'm just happy that they wanted to do something for me. they loved me and that itself is the greatest gift of all. And if you are curious they bought me Taylor Swift : fearless deluxe edition, a mug set, and a purse.

Nobody could beat our friendship. we been through hell together. A lot of things have happened between us, there was even once where we were on the verge of breaking apart but by god's grace we are still together happily.

thank you my dear fellow RF family, i could never forget our memories.Cheers to that and may there be more good memories to come. 

For better or for worse,
and for the lack of better words.
I end my speech right here.  

                                                                                                                             ~hasita

Chapter 2-Seventeen Forever

First of all, I would like to wish myself. Happy Birthday!! yes!! finally I'm 17 but I'm not happy with that. I'm weird, i know :) . But i have my reason and it is because when I actually expected myself to have accomplished alot of things by the age  of 17 like being an a school athlete,being in the school council and... having a boyfriend. But hey no worries, it's my senior year and I'm going to try my best to achieve those. Fighting!!

Okay lol, on with the week, errm let's see on

Monday
 We had a motivational camp.It started with the selected students only and yours truly happens to be one of the lucky ones XD. But then the school management thought "hey why not we just clam all three classes together for this camp" yeah like around 90 students in an indoor hall would totally be the best idea. i mean, we were like sardines in there! But i must admit, the lectures were awesome i mean they gave out 10$ to whoever gets a correct answer for the question they asked. I mean dude it's 10$!!! Dayum!! then  the camp ended with a competition which yours truly's team won and a freaking watermelon game? Don't ask, about the watermelon.

 Tuesday,
 it was OK abit boring but much better than other days?

Wednesday
bam!! 17 came knocking on my door. Yeah my birthday!! ah ha!! ah ha!! ah ha!! shorty, it's my birthday! lol. So yeah everyone wished me and Wei jian ( the guy who shares birthday date with me but not as close as Hari. we are difference in a few minutes and also we were born in the same hospital) My reaction when i first got to know was like "whoa! that's weird!" but then he's like "yeah, whatever". haiz.. guys. My school mates were planning on hitting me with eggs and splash me with water but thank god i managed to escape.  But unofrtunately for Hari, he got hit with flour. Yes flour.i swear it was vasu. Should've seen Hari's face.It was also one of the most tiring birthday i have had in my 17 years of life on this planet. My friends planned my birthday, farah and also F.b.i (don't know them? check out my previous post) together so yeah we celebrated it like it was grand. (wanna know more? check out my next post). And I did help out my 13 years old freshman's to sell drinks for the club.Cute fellows!

Thursday
comes in banging the door, nothing much in school except the part where Peanut and I tried to finish her English essay.To whoever don't know Peanut, you might think it seems like a simple and boring task but trust me YOU DO NOT KNOW PEANUT! hahaha.Through out the whole time,we were laughing our butts off because she kept writing the wrong phrases. She is not a native English speaker :(  . Then later after school, we went to a fast food restaurant "MARY BROWN" .. by bus. Yeah like by bus.Trust me, the bus drivers hates us, like we were sitting on road side for like 40 mins?? Idk, then only one came, thank god for that. Again, that day I realised our bond between the 13 of us is so strong. I realised it when we were paying for the food. Like one takes out her purse and she finds that she's shortage and the other just gives the money and like, we didn't even pay separately. It was like, hey i don't care if you give me back my money or if it is the right amount.Just take it. :) I love them to death!After the lunch, me and mama went to the cybercafe which so happens to be upstairs of the restaurant to print out stuff for Alia's debate.Then we rushed back to school for archery meeting as you know or may not know, I am vice president of the archery club.

Friday
 Well the Malay students were having a speech so we were ordered to stay in the hall to watch a movie. And it so happens to be "3 idiots". If you haven't watch the movie, you should. it's a Hindi movie but then there's a Tamil version of it too. The story is basically about 3 friends,from different background trying to survive college with an evil principal

so yeah here's the picture of the movie cover i think?

  you should totally watch it, it kinda reminded alot of peanut haha.ok so yeah on the with story, we went back to class a few minutes before recess but then something happened in class. Ariff accidentally tore his pants.LOL yeah like WTH? but he took it easy as he, himself made fun of it and rushed to the nearest tailor and got his pants done.And still he managed to entertain us during his oral. It was freaking hilarious. And since its Friday. I'm suppose to be at home by 12.30 pm and sleep off the afternoon. BUT.. yes but as the obedient girl image my mom wants me to have i went back to school for History extra class and did manage to help my history teacher with the school Parent's teacher's day.Good thing,i have friend who I can actually RELY on. Then went back to tuition, came out early cause my dad had a meeting. And so yeah there you have me here, 15 minutes before midnight.

For better or for worse
and for the lack of better words
I end my speech right here

                                                                                                                     ~Hasita